HE SAID TO ME …

We’ve made it to the end of the week!!  It’s a reason to celebrate and time for a laugh, so hope this tickles your funny bone as much as it did mine …

He said to me … 
     What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him …   
     Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me … 
     How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him …   
     I don't know, it has never happened.

He said to me …
     Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said …              
     That's a good idea - you stand by the stove and sink while I sit on the sofa and fart

He said to me …
     Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
I said to him …   
     They already have boyfriends.

He said …          
     What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said …              
     A widow.

He said to me …
     Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him …   
     Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
     Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Have a great weekend!

THANKS A LOT SANTA!

This poem came from Kelly Mayou, I’m not sure where she found it, but I laughed and laughed.  Unfortunately I know it is my room that Santa is talking about …


Twas the night before Christmas, I'm glued to the tree.
I'm wondering what Santa brought just for me.
Could it be cardstock, or inkpads, or lace?
Or some stamps, I said, with a smile on my face.
And that's when I heard him ...
"Hi Santa, " I said
He replied, "You know ... good girls should be in their beds".
"I know I should Santa, and now I've been caught.
But I was just so excited to see what you brought."
"Well, let's take a look in this room where you work".
He shook his head quickly, and left with a jerk.
I heard him exclaim as he put it in gear.
"You've got enough crap,
I'll see you next year!"

WHY GOD MADE MUMS (Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions):

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?

1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

THE HUSBAND SONG

One of my friends, Trudy, shared this on Facebook and I had to laugh!  Hope you get a giggle from it as well ...

... if only my husband was that well trained ...

TIME FOR A GIGGLE ...

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW!

I just got this by e-mail this morning and had a chuckle over it. Hope it makes you smile too ...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him another cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know … ) “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

... and now you know why ...

You remember when your Mother always used to warn you never to put your lips on public drinking fountains ...

... well now you know why ...

I'm actually in Palmerston North this weekend doing some training with my fabulous downline there, but I didn't want you to miss me too much, so I have to share this classic photo. You'll never look at water fountains the same way again, will you?

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES ...

Six men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time - no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the A & E.

He must also make biscuits or cakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 8:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight and length at birth, time of birth, and length of labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mum!

After you get done laughing, forward this to as many females as you think will get a laugh out of it and as many men as you think can handle it! Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

THE EASIEST WEIGHT LOSS PLAN IN THE WORLD!!

The correct way to weigh yourself ...

Man, I can't believe I've been doing it wrong all these years!

Women are Naturally Honest!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."


The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"


"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was disappointed. "You lied!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed, All Us Women